Mind Games Dogs Play

After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel-dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

Oh Deer!

Years ago, I was going back home to visit my folks by Greyhound. One night the bus was just outside of Cody, Wyoming, when the driver saw a deer get hit by the car ahead of us. It didn't stop. But the bus driver did. He got out to check on the deer. He came back to the bus and asked us, all 4 of us passengers, if we would mind if he brought the unconscious deer on board and would we swear not to tell the company. We said okay.

So the driver and one of the passengers carried the deer on the bus and off we went back to Cody. We had just hit town when the deer came to. The Vet's office was a couple of blocks away. The poor deer was running up and down the aisle when we arrived at midnight and no Vet. The driver said he knew the vet and would give him a call and left us with the deer. One of the passengers started to go into hysterics. He was from Oakland and had never been around or liked animals much. The deer began to tire and went and put its head on the sobbing 6ft 4 man's lap. He began to pet it. When the driver and vet finally got there the man had named the deer after his mother and wanted to pay it's vet bills. The vet said no charge for wild animals and took her off to be treated for her cuts and bruises. When we got to Denver, the driver told us that the deer was okay and that she was released back out in the wild that morning. Three of us cheered and clapped. The man from Oakland cried when he heard the news.

The other passengers thought we were all nuts and didn't have clue what was going on. The other part of the good news was that all four of us were assured seats by ourselves because nobody likes to sit next to crazy people. Submitted by Robin A.

God's Creations

God created the mule and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to who you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world, you will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age to live as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.